I had the honor of being asked to officiate the memorial service for the mother of some very close friends.
It was an absolutely beautiful day, as the song she picked to be played at the end of her memorial said, and 'uncloudy day' to be sure.
Good morning, will you join me in prayer.
Heavenly father we come to you here today, to celebrate a great life. We thank you for this beautiful day, for all those could make it here to remember Cheryl today. Lord be with her family, as they remember her, her spirit, and her love. Be with us today Lord, let us come closer to you, and let us lean into you. In your mighty name, Amen.
Well, not going to lie, this is going to be a tough one. Not just for me, but for this family too. Be patient with us, if we need a minute to compose ourselves, or if our words don’t come out right, or they come out with a tremble in our voices. Days like today are difficult.
Depending on how you look at it, it’s an honor to be up here, but damn, I sure wish I wasn’t.
Over the years, I’ve been asked to do a few funerals for this family. Thinking back to last year, Cheryl told me at her mother’s funeral, I think, that I wouldn’t have to do her funeral. She didn’t want me to feel burdened. Cheryl was worried about me. Bless her heart. That is who she was.
I told her a few weeks ago, it would be my honor to be here today, and for her not to worry. I was doing this no matter what. I’m going to get through this day today. Because no matter how emotional these are, there is something very right, very truthful, and almost easy, almost, about saying some kind words about a very kind human being.
Cheryl Lyn Whitfield was born November 8, 1946 to Barney and Hester Whitfield on Coronado Island. In a few years her brother Shayne was born, and finally her sister Mary Ann. The family moved up to Yolo County, where she graduated from Esparto High. She married her high school sweetheart Joe Gallardo, and together they had three children: Phillip, Daniel and Jody. She worked for the Winters Police department, and for those of you who remember, the Barber Rolland company. As time passed, she moved on, and moved up to the Tahoe and Truckee areas for a while. After a few years back and forth, she married David Buchignani, and she came back down here.
As a side note, for those of you who remember David, man, was that guy great or what? So much fun, such a kind soul. His time, was way too short.
So, in the past, almost twenty years, since I moved back here to Esparto, I’ve been around Cheryl’s wonderful family. Her parents, her siblings, her children, her grandchildren, and the entire tribe of her extended family, friends, and assorted craziness that made up her life, here in the valley.
I remember all the good times at Barney’s and Hester’s, after work down at The Capay Junction, and the annual Cattlemen’s dinners in the fall, and the Almond Festivals, and Larry’s parties after Easter, and sitting around the wood stove, playing music in Tommy’s shop. Even the Wednesday afternoon Covid beverage get togethers last year, in the shade, under Tommy’s tree.
Cheryl was always there, always close to where her family and friends were. If she wasn’t around, it was because she was on a road trip with some of them, going somewhere cool. She wasn’t the kind to sit still. She was an adventurer. I didn’t know, but her whole family told me about the little bag of extra clothes she always kept in her car, just in case she decided at the last minute to go on a road trip.
I was up with everyone sharing stories this week, and I can’t tell them all, but here are a few favorites. Mostly all involving road trips.
Barney was working out of town, down by Tracy, with his friend Ben. After work they would go down the Banta Inn. So he’s sitting there, doing what you do in Tracy when work is over, and his phone rings. He answers, says a few words, says goodbye. He looks over at Ben and says, ‘My mother-in-law is coming by to have a drink.” Ben was kind of shocked. Your mother-in-law? “Yep, she’s coming over to have a drink.” She was down visiting Shayne, sort-of nearby, and so she drove over to say hello and visit for a while. That is so Cheryl. But then again, as Barney likes to say, he is her favorite son-in-law.
Listening to the stories, I wasn’t aware of her misguided sense of direction. There a few stories, like when her and Sam were heading up to Idaho. Now early in the mornings, Sam admits she’s kind of cranky, and so when they left Elko, instead of turning north at Wells, Cheryl kept going east on 80. In the end she decided that she would have to wake up Sam, cranky or not, to get directions because they were now entering Utah.
The other directional mishap was with Danny heading to the Cow Palace. Coming off the main highway, Danny said they needed to go east, and Cheryl was sure it was to the west. Dan tried to insist but was met with a “shut up”. They drove on for a few minutes and came over a hill where Dan said, Well mom, we can’t go any further west, that’s the Pacific Ocean. I think she told him to shut up once again, but they did make it to the Cow Palace.
When Danny met Steph, not too long into their relationship, Danny said you need to go talk to Cheryl so she can better explain what she was getting into. Steph thought that was a bit odd, but they went to Bodega, and had a great weekend together. Cheryl said, If it doesn't work out between you and Dan, you and I are going to be good friends anyway.
Jay talked about secrets. All the times Nanna caught her doing something that she should have been busted for, and Cheryl would keep quiet. From boys showing up at the house in Jr High, to the Austin Texas tattoo parlor, Jay says Chery always kept their secrets. But would always talk to her about anything if she needed.
Andrew told me about all his favorite trips with his grandma. Down to Winters, to the Coffee place, the Guitar shop, and to Putah Creek Café for fries, and a sandwich. Or the trips to Swabbies on the river for live music, and the Road Trip too. He loved it if when he would stay the night at her house.
Mary Ann had many stories about their trips to San Francisco. Early one morning they went for an Irish Coffee at the Buena Vista, which was a standard for Cheryl. Since they just opened, Cheryl was the only car on the street, she parked facing the wrong way in front of the Buena Vista. Having her Irish Coffee, the bartender kept looking out the window. He kept seeing all the cars doing a u-turn in front of the restaurant. It seems the cars coming down the street, saw Cheryl’s car facing the wrong way on the street, and thought they must be going the wrong way and started turning around.
You will have to get Mary Ann to tell you about the Christmas shopping trip with Linsey and Andie on BART, and the kitten adoption at Union Square. It’s a good one.
San Francisco was a favorite place for Cheryl. She had her spots. Places where she knew the people, and the people knew her. Buena Vista, Gino and Carlo’s just to name a few. Around Christmas, she would always take the girls down to the city and hand out scarves and peppermints to the homeless.
As much Cheryl loved to travel, loved to experience things, she also enjoyed just talking. We talked a lot. Cheryl was a thinker, and I like thinkers. We would talk about everything. What made people tick, what life was all about, and what we wanted to try to get out of it. What made a good life, a successful life? Why do so many people, define success so differently? We talked about life, and death and what might come after.
Sometimes, we talked about politics, and sometimes, or many times, we had differing opinions. But we would respect the other’s right to have them, even if they seemed in error to the other one.
I knew Cheryl pretty well, but from a bit of a distance. We shared a lot of great times with her family, but sometimes, I felt a bit fortunate to have that distance. Because sometimes families are, a bit messy. Just as a pro tip, one of the keys to life is knowing when things are heading south, and it’s time to G. O.
Cheryl had a bit of a tough, stubborn streak in her. She would hold her tongue for a bit, but after a while, she let her feelings be known. If you hang around her children, and even her grandchildren, rest assured, they are carrying that gene forward.
Like I said, I only saw bits and pieces of her amazing life, but some of her family have asked to share some of their thoughts, and their times together with her.
(Family time) Sam. Jay. Mary Ann (Read Andrew’s note)
So, here we are again. Standing around a cemetery, and wishing things were not as they are. It’s tough. But one thing is for certain. This is one event, where every single one of us, one day, will be the guest of honor.
Maybe one of these days, some of you might be nice enough to come stand around, and say some nice things about me, when it is my time. Please give my family a hug. I would like it even more if you said those things to me while I’m still walking around. I probably have some nice thing I should say to you.
The abruptness of Cheryl’s passing has really made me look at the last few decades of my own life. To look at some of the opportunities I didn’t take. But more importantly, to really contemplate the next chapters coming down the road for me.
Cheryl was not a ‘wait till then’ kind of person. She enjoyed her life, especially her family, and her friends. She made time for people. But she also took things as they came. She loved working up at Full Belly Farm for years, and wasn’t punching some clock somewhere, waiting for that last day to retire, so she could then start doing what she wanted. She was living her life as well, and as full, as she knew how to do. That is a very rare trait in people these days.
That is the first thing I’d like us to take away from today. Say yes to opportunities. Many of us like to plan, to do the safe thing, not to take chances, to build up that bank balance, to accumulating things, and wealth. Don’t get me wrong, those things have their place. Just don’t let them keep you from saying yes to things.
Think about that person you haven’t seen in years, the one who told you to come out and visit. They would put you for a few days and show you cool places around there, and just visit for a while. Why haven’t you done that? It’s a few days, and maybe a couple hundred-dollar airline ticket away. Maybe it’s that trip with your family, or maybe just a few more rodeos, or concerts, or museum visits, or sailing trips, or whatever is your thing. Go do that. Again, you could come up with reasons not to go, but then I want you to think about today. Think about what really matters. That vacation time or small amount of money won’t matter in the end. Those memories will. Those experiences will. They are what make up your life. That’s what is important.
Here’s the other thing I’d like us to take away today; Your time here on earth is not infinite. It is fixed, and you don’t know your expiration date. So be good. Not like, ‘stop having fun’ type of good, but be a better person.
That means forgiving a wrong done against you. That means going up to someone and having a difficult conversation, asking them for forgiveness. That means letting a lot the small stuff go. That also means, if someone you love keeps doing things that really bother you, have a difficult conversation about that situation and see if you can work through it.
In closing, I’d like to say that I was up at Barney and Jody’s a lot for the past month or so. As Cheryl came home to finish her time here, I saw the love she had shown on others come back to her in so many ways. Her family wanted to let everyone know how much their showing up, helping out, dropping off food, being with Cheryl, or just stopping by to be a shoulder to cry on, helped them through this time. They love you all, and they mean that.
I was also touched by two things said the other night. One by Andrew, who said she kept praying for his grandma. He said he wanted her to go to a place where she would hurt no more, where she would be happy, where she would be waiting for us. He wanted to be sure she got to heaven. No worries Andrew, she’s there. And you make sure you remember what Steve Farnham told you. Now she’s up there watching you at all times, making sure doing the right thing. (Good one Steve)
The other were the words said by my friend Danny. Looking back, it was the my entire 15 minute speech given in less than one. He gathered everyone up, at Grandpa Barney’s bar. He had the beautiful urn made my Todd Treat sitting there, and I wish I could have recorded that simple message, cause it was as powerful and anything I could have said here today. It was close to this. He was pointing towards his mon’s earn and saying, all the things you think are important really aren’t. Everything you own, all your stuff won’t matter in the end. You will end up here. Then he said something that I could agree more with. Danny lightly tapped on the urn and said, This is not the end either. There is some else after this life. There is something more. Amen my brother.
We only get one shot down here walking around, do your best. Live to the fullest degree you can. I know Cheryl sure did. That is a hell of life you’ve had here my friend. You will be missed, but never forgotten. We love you.
Will you join me in the Lord’s Prayer as we close.
Our Father, who art in heaven, Hallowed be thy Name. Thy Kingdom come. Thy will be done on earth, As it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our trespasses, As we forgive those that trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, But deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, The power, and the glory, For ever and ever. Amen.
