Monday, February 08, 2016

Exclusive interview with Doland Trump.

First off, I'd like to thank my special guest tonight, in his first, and I imagine, his only interview here in Yolo County, Donald Trump. 

Great to be here Wolf. 

It's Walt Mr. Trump. I know the New Hampshire primary is just hours away from finishing up, so I'm sure you have been on a whirlwind media blitz today. I'm glad you could carve out some time for the people here in Yolo County.

 Wait, you aren't Wolf Blitzer, who are you again? 
Jim! Jim, I thought you said I was on with Wolf for a CNN piece, who is this guy?  Walt? From where? Where the hell is Yolo County, up by Manchester?

Fine. Fine, whatever, whatever, lets just do this, I'm on with Jake Tapper in ten minutes anyway. 
Okay, Walt is it? Go ahead, you have six minutes.

 Mr. Trump, I know you are ahead in the polls in New Hampshire, but there seems to be a bit of a chink in your armor after your second place finish in the Iowa Caucasus. Do you think the people of Iowa didn't understand your message or did they just not connect with your personality?

Well, look, everybody knows the people of Iowa are a little behind the times, am I right? I think they just got cable in some of those towns. I'm talking about just basic cable too.  I'm so glad to be in New Hampshire. You know I actually slept in a hotel where I didn't have to send some of my people out to get me a Kluft mattress to sleep on. Have you ever slept on a Kluft mattress? Luxurious, super luxurious, but they are $30,000 so not a lot of people have them. I have truck that follows me a round on the campaign trail filled with Klufts. Best bed ever. Ever.

No, but seriously, the people in the country areas of Iowa, which is most of Iowa, are great people. Really, they are great people, but the are kinda folksy if you know what I mean. A lot of them don't understand a business man like me. It's hard to tell them about trade and China, they don't even have any good Chinese food in Davenport. All they have is Chick-Fil-A and Jimmy's King Gyros, which has fantastic falafel by the way.

Hmm, never been to Jimmy's King Gyros, thanks for the tip. So you're saying they aren't smart enough to understand the subtleties of your campaign positions? Don't you risk alienating these same type of voters when the race turns to the south for what some are calling the SEC primaries? 

Alienating them? No way. These country folks love me. they've never seen anyone like me in their lives. I have people lining up in three feet of snow just to see me. It's great, just great. These people may be a bit dull but they know a winner when they see one, and I am a winner. I win at everything, and when I am president, we are all going to start winning again. I am going to make America great again.

What do you say to those people who claim you have changed your party affiliation 5 times, changed your position numerous times on a wide range of important issues and even given money to your likely opponent, Hillary Clinton?

Look, Ive been through this a million times. I'm a business man, I give money to whoever is in charge at the time to get what I want. It's just a good business practice, I don't care who gets how much, they are all the same, as long as I get what I want.

But what about all the changes in you positions? It seems you tell people what they want to hear at the time to get what you want, and right now it seems you really want to be the president. Should they trust what you're saying now, or look back at your record?

Hey look, whatever your name is, you're a nobody! A NO-BO-DY!
 I don't even know why I'm talking to you! I'm worth 11 or 12 billion dollars. How much are you worth?  I don't have time for your crap kid! I am going to win big here tonight, and then I'm going to win in South Carolina and I'm going to run the table. And not you, or that jackass Ted Cruz, or that little dweeb Rubio or that mamby-pamby Jeb Bush is going to stop me!

Wow, okay. Last question Mr. Trump, if you win all the time and everything you do is so successful, can you explain your four bankruptcies, and your numerous failed projects like Trump Airlines, Trump Vodka, Trump Magazine, Trump Casinos, Trump University, and Trump Steaks? Didn't you put your name on all these things, line up investors, sold them on how these were all going to be the greatest projects ever, and when they failed, you left them holding the bag, along with the debt?

Hey those were all great products, but they were ahead of their time. Those steaks were delicious. Best in the world. 
I got to go, Jake Tapper wants me in the green room.

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