If you are on Facebook, and who isn't these days, you will see many inspirational quotes. Some are funny, some are insightful, some are crass, and some are quite frankly, just dumb. Many of these quotes are typical of the "you're perfect just as you are" type of self-help that has become popular over the past few decades.
Here's the problem with that type of help. It's a lie.
It makes you feel good to tell someone they are perfect just as they are, but only for a short time. It makes the recipient feel good, but only for a short time. Even as you say it, and even as they hear it, both your brains know it isn't true.
Trying to live your life based on something you know isn't true will eventually, and perhaps quickly, put you on a collision course with reality. Reality is a cruel master. It does care about your feelings, your good intentions, your wretched past, or your wonderful plans for the future. Reality smashes all things that are not true.
I understand the motivation behind the "you're fine just as you are" type of help. It's based on compassion, and compassion is a good thing, up to a certain point. After that, compassion can turn into enabling. Enabling bad or destructive behavior, is never a good thing.
So, what is the best advice you can give someone struggling with life in general, or with a specific issue? Tell them the truth. At least the truth the way you see it from your perspective.
This advice is harder on both parties in the short term, but it leads to clarity. Seeing the situation clearly, free of distortion, is much better that camouflaging the problem with kind words.
It is going to be messy, know that going in. You will hurt their feelings, but maybe their feeling need to be hurt. They will become defensive, and start listing the top-ten reasons why this situation is not their fault. Maybe you just unearthed the true problem. Maybe their view of the world is the real problem. Maybe it's a lie.
We should be able to look at ourselves and give this same critique. What are we doing emotionally? How are our relationships? How is our health? What is our plan for the future? What truth are your denying?
If we have no real answers for these questions, we are not living a life based in truth. We might skate by for a while, a month, a year, even a decade, with serious, complex problems in our lives. Given a choice, we will choose not to see, let alone deal with these problems in a realistic manner. Again; Reality smashes all things that are not true. It's just a matter of time.
When that friend comes to you, with their latest breakup story, and how they will never find true love, and there are no good men/women left in the world, you will have a choice. I would start the conversation just like that. "Do you want me to tell you again there is nothing wrong with you, and that guy/girl is stupid for not seeing how wonderful you are, or do want me to tell you the truth or as close to the truth as I can see it?"
This may take them aback. They may be counting on you to prop them up, to tell them everything will be alright if they just continue to believe in themselves. They may just be searching for that dopamine release that comes from hearing comforting words, even if those words are lies.
The truth is, they are not perfect, and they never will be. Neither are you. No amount of success, money, love, safety, or fitness will make us perfect. We are all flawed. Some of us are more screwed up than others, but baring a severe mental health diagnosis, we are all capable of becoming better versions of ourselves. Even if just a tiny bit better, if we try to see the truth.
To borrow from my favorite book at the moment, Dr. Jordan B Peterson's 12 Rules for Life; and antidote to chaos. Rule #4 Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not to who someone else is today.
Check out more of his work. He has thousands of hours of his University of Toronto lectures on YouTube, along with many interviews.
One of the themes he comes back to time and again, is answering this question: How do you make you life better? By not making it worse! And brother, we are experts at doing just that.
"Start by stop doing something, anything, that you know to be wrong."
Okay back to people with problems, which is all of us by the way. I I used to tell people going through terrible situations, some of their own making, some not, that everything would be okay. I'm sure they felt better right then and there, but eventually they must go back to the real world and the problem is waiting for them.
Many times, things would not be okay, or at least not okay in the way they wanted. In the end, there is only reality, only truth.
In the last few years, I try to tell them the truth, no matter how it makes them feel at the time. If they need to break down and cry, I will give them a shoulder and let them know I'm there for them without judgement. If they ask my opinion, if they want the truth, it is my duty to tell them the truth.
I have told people going through a bad break up, "This is going to hurt. You will get through this in time, and the pain will subside in a while, but it is okay to feel heartbroken right now." If they are in the middle of a job loss, or the loss of a loved one, they need to know that they are at a turning point. Things will never be the same. Things will be different from here on, and it's up to them to respond in the best way that works with their new reality.
If they really screwed up their lives, or the life of someone they love, they need to know that. The reason you're in this spot is you created this world, this hell you now live inside. You need to figure out how you got here so you don't repeat the same actions, or make the same decisions that created this hell.
This advice may seem cold-hearted. It may seem like your just throwing more weight onto the shoulders of someone drowning. Just remember what I said about reality.
Kind words and self esteem will not cure the disease you were just diagnosed with. Kind words won't keep your home from being foreclosed on if you just pretend the bank notices are just going to go away. Getting your soul crushed, and then choosing the same type of boyfriend/girlfriend who is assured to repeat this process is pure poison. In short, you need to recognize the truth and act on it. Sometimes you need help.
Someone in your life needs to have the courage to tell you the truth. You also need that same courage to look upon your own through that lens. Can your life stand up to reality? What problems are you sweeping under the rug? What are things you know to be wrong that you continue to do?
Are you getting closer to the truth, closer to dealing with the world the way it truly is, or are you just getting better at hiding from it? If you are seeking the truth, if you are trying to become just a little bit better version of you each and every day, that is enough. Press on.
To close I will leave you with this. At the beginning of the day ask yourself this question. What am I going to do to make myself a better version of me? Then do it. That way at the end of the day, you can answer this question without regret. Am I one day closer to becoming a better person, or am I just one day older?
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