Roughstock Journal: The first Presidential debate 2008

After months of negotiations between the two candidates to find a neutral media outlet to moderate the first debate, both parties have agreed to this format.

In a first for a Presidential debate, the Infomercial Chanel brings you your host for tonight's debate, Billy Mays....

Thank you both for attending this first Presidential debate of the 2008 election and to the folks at home, thanks for tuning in to this groundbreaking format. May I first say that both your shirts look exceptionally clean and free from stains.

Thanks Billy, I use Oxyclean, I have for years, and this is a position that I will stand firm on.

Um, thanks Mr. Mays, I use Oxyclear too.

Are you sure its Oxyclear Senator McCain, that product is for acne?

Um well, I may be old, but it always pays to keep those breakouts from flaring up.

Okay, my first question is for Senator Barack Obama,,

Call me Barack if you like Billy, we're tight.

I think I'll stay with Senator if you don't mind. Senator Obama, folks out there say you are young and charismatic but you lack any real foreign policy experience, what do you say to that?

Billy, its kind of like that catch 22 so many of our young people are facing today; when you apply for a job the employer wants experience, but as a young person how are you going to get that experience if they don't give you the chance?

So you're saying that the American people should just ignore you rather weak resume' and give you the job as President because you look good in a suit and speak eloquently?

Well, I would not phrase it in such an inarticulate manner, but yes. How else could I acquire foreign policy experience as a first term Senator?

Could have served your country in uniform you spoiled little bra.....

I'm sorry Senator McCain, did you wish to comment?

No, no I have the deepest respect for my colleague, I just think there are ways to gain experience in foreign affairs and the military that don't include running for public office.

You see, right there is a demonstration of how this race has devolved into attacks on my background and family. Lay off my family Senator, she is not running for office.

Huh?

Lets get back to the questions shall we? Senator McCain, folks seem to see you as another old white guy who is out of touch with today's problems and today's generation, after all you admit you don't know how to use a computer, do you think you're too old to relate to younger voters?

Mr. Mays, I am older than most people I meet and I don't know all about iPods and Cranberries, or YouTube, but..

Blackberries John, they are called blackberries.

Nhh!

Whatever, all I know is all these gadgets and all this technology doesn't mean a thing when you have a few million Islamic radicals who want to kill every man, woman and child that don't believe exactly what they do. These Islamic radicals are a real threat that we have to face and defeat now, we can't afford to retreat behind our borders and hope they go away.

That is another example of the politics of fear Billy, sure there a few crazies out there, but if we could just talk to them, show them we mean them no harm, we could...

You know it's pretty hard to talk when you have a black hood over your head and a group of Wahabist terrorist is sawing your head off with a rusty knife....

Cmon, John. That isn't what I'm talking about. If you had listened to me, we wouldn't have stirred up this hornet's nest by going into Iraq. I didn't vote for this war like you did..

You were a state Senator back in Chicago when the war started, you didn't vote on the war because you had just lost your race for Congress and you were planning your run for the US Senate. You were not there to make a vote..

Gentlemen please, lets get back to the questions.
Senator Obama, you said that Republicans would use race in this election, "and did I mention he's black" was the famous line you used. Do you think any vote cast for Senator McCain come November will made because the voter is racist?

No, that is not exactly what I said..

I could read you your own quote Senator..

That's not necessary, Billy what I meant to say is there are a small portion of the Republican party for whose the color of my skin will be enough for them not to vote for me.

Like all those bitter people in the middle of the country who are clinging to their guns and religion? Are those the people you are talking about?

That was taken out of context and you know it.

Hey, I'm not very popular with evangelicals either, but I don't go around telling my big, check writing donors in San Francisco the reason the middle of the country won't vote for me is they are too simple minded or too racist.

Hold on, that is not what I said.

Okay, final question; If you had to pick one image, one message to sum up your qualifications to be our next President what would it be?
Senator McCain you first.