Fox presents - Legislating with the Stars!

You have seen them dance and watched them skate, but can they write law? Find out on the world premiere of Legislating with the Stars.

First up is the Emmy winning artists and political activist Barbra Streisand. And joining Ms. Streisand is our professional legislator, another Barbara, Barbara Boxer the United States Senator from California.

Ms. Steisand, our rules are simple, you have to draft a bill with help from your legislator and I will judge its chances of passing and becoming law.

Lets begin.

Thanks, I'm so exited about being the first celebrity on your show. I have spent many hours writing and re-writing this bill with the Senator's help and I will give you a brief outline of it. My bill is called "The new bill of rights for good citizens". As you know, the President and his corporate pals in Halliburton have gutted the Constitution during his term in office and my bill addresses the damage done to our rights. My bill has five points.

Five?

Yes five, I know the original bill of rights has ten, but we only need these five new ones to get back our freedom.

Please, continue Ms. Streisand.

My first item outlaws all wars. Never again will American soldiers be forced to die in an illegal and immoral war.

All wars, even a war where we are attacked first?

Especially those, which takes me to my second point. The abolition of the CIA. No more spying of any kind. Also, without the CIA messing around in the world, killing and oppressing people, we will have no more enemies. No more enemies, no more wars, pretty smart huh?

Um, yea, brilliant.

Third, the abolition of American armed forces. Without enemies, without wars, we will no longer have the need for an Army. We will keep the Coast Guard because they help when my friends have trouble on their yahts, but the guns will be banned from the ships. Oh yea, and we will repaint them ivory, I just love ivory, its my new power color.

No armed forces at all?

None, just be quiet and you will understand.
Fourth we take the money saved from the defense department and give it to the poor. We divide all the money we now spend those Army guys and those terrible weapons and cut a check to every poor person in America, double that amount for Democrats who are poor.

Seriously?

Quiet, I said.
Lastly we will revoke the Second Amendment to the Constitution. Without an Army, there will no longer be a need for guns, I mean people don't need guns. There will be exceptions for my bodyguards, Chuck Schumer and Dianne Feinstein, but no other guns will be allowed in the United States.

So, what do you think Cowboy?

Senator Boxer, did you have a lot of input on this bill?



You know, Babs, as I call her is so smart and has such a firm grasp on these important issues that she wrote most of the bill herself, The last point I gave a little input on, but if I ever need to go on a long vacation, I think Barbara would be great fill in for me in the Senate.
Barbra are these the right shade of roses you wanted?

Senator I told you wanted Ivory roses, what part of Ivory do you not understand? I had my staff tell your staff to have you surrounded in Ivory roses, we will talk off line, someone on your staff is getting a pink slip.

Well Cowboy, what our chances?

I must say that bill in its present form two chances of passing, slim and none, and slim just left.

You think its just not the right time for this bill?

No, I don't think there will ever be time for it.

What about in 2008 when we will back in control of Congress and I am helping Hillary pick out her china pattern?

You may have a small window of opportunity.

When?

When they hold the Winter Olympics in Hell.

Damn!

I was actually for multilateral talks before I was against them.

A very bad week for the junior senator from New York. First the 'plantation' comment and now she contradicts herself in the same paragraph.

I believe that we lost critical time in dealing with Iran, because the White House chose to downplay the threats, and to outsource the negotiations. I don't believe you face threats like Iran or North Korea by outsourcing it to others, and standing on the sidelines. We cannot, and should not, must not, permit Iran to build or acquire nuclear weapons. In order to prevent that from occurring, we must have more support, vigorously and publicly expressed, by China and Russia, and we must move as quickly as feasible for sanctions in the United Nations.

OK Senator, so you would prefer that the US negotiate with Iran alone, or do we need to have outside parties involved? One or the other Senator.

It seems that short of announcing that he and Dick Cheney are resigning to have a little brokeback mountain time together on Cheney's ranch in Wyoming, the Democrats oppose everything and anything President Bush does.

Its easy to be against everything Hillary, ask John Kerry, he did so well in his last Presidential run.

Robertson and Nagin clear the air.

Mayor Nagin, glad to be speaking to you today. You seem to have stirred up quite a controversy on Monday.

Thank you Pat, I appreciate this time to help set the record straight about my comments during the Martin Luther King day celebration.

I know I have been accused of saying some inappropriate comments and its usually a case of the leftwing media taking my words out of context, but the 'Chocolate City' statement, did you really say that?


Well yes Pat I did, but like you say, it was taken way out of context. What I meant to say was New Orleans will be like a chocolate milk. You know, a little milk, a little chocolate and you get a delicious drink.

But that's not what you said Mayor. Here's your quote -"I don't care what people are saying Uptown or wherever they are. This city will be chocolate at the end of the day," and "This city will be a majority African-American city. It's the way God wants it to be."
That sounds pretty clear and direct to me.


Pat, I now regret having brought God into the discussion. I have been talking to a few Pastors lately and it has been on my mind, but I should have left it out of my statement.

I would say so, especially when God does not want New Orleans to be 'Chocolate'.



What does that mean Pat?

I spoke with the Lord last night and he said that he never heard of you. He didn't say anything about Chocolate or chocolate milk or anything. He did say that you were right about the Hurricanes, but for the wrong reasons.


What?

You said that the Hurricanes were God's punishment for the US going to war in Iraq. It's not about Iraq Mayor, it's the 'Girls Gone Wild' DVDs that started in your city. He is fuming mad about that and the whole bare you bosoms for beads thing at Mardi Gras.

The Iraq thing was taken completely out of context Pat.

Its not the context Mayor Nagin its the statement. As I said, I talked to God and he says he doesn't know you. Why do you insist stating that you know the will of God Mayor?

Are you off your meds Pat?
Are you saying that Jesus Christ actually talks to you audibly?

Yes Mayor, he does, and he does not appreciate those he does not speak to assigning this, that and the other to him. That is wrong Mayor and if you insist on this line of thinking something very bad will happen to you, ask Ariel Sharon.



Um, I have a meeting I must attend in ten minutes. I have to get going Pat.

Thanks for letting me clear that up Mayor. Enjoy your meeting and remember, you don't speak for God, I do.

Rap Music Translator

HT to infinite Monkeys.

Are your kids listening to rap? You may want listen a little closer, just because the artists are not using the f-word doesn't mean it is good for your kids.

A humorous translator -

Notorious B.I.G.
Lyrics:

First things first, I poppa, freaks all the honeys

Dummies - playboy bunnies, those wantin' money

Those the ones I like cause they don't get nathan

But penetration, unless it smells like sanitation

Garbage, I turn like doorknobs

Heart throb, never, black and ugly as ever

However, I stay coochied down to the socks

Rings and watch filled with rocks



TRANSLATION:

As a general rule, I perform deviant sexual acts with women of all kinds, including but not limited to those with limited intellect, nude magazine models, and prostitutes. I particularly enjoy sexual encounters with the latter group as they are generally disappointed in the fact that they only receive penile intercourse and nothing more, unless of course, they douche on a consistent basis. Although I am extremely unattractive, I am able to engage in these types of sexual acts with some regularity. Perhaps my sexuality is somehow related to my fancy and expensive jewelry.

A sure sign of the apocalypse.

Repent now!
If they could only make cows with colored horns. Maybe you could get your favorite football team colors on the horns. That would be cool, but pigs with colored snouts and feet, where is the fun in that?

Index of Economic Freedom 2006

I stumbled across this index at the Heritage Foundation's site. The introductory article is a good read also.

The Index is really about people and their struggle to overcome barriers. And not just any barriers, but the ones their own governments erect to limit how much money they can make and how much they can keep – barriers that limit what they can do with their money and how far it can go.

To see how people are affected by such barriers (or the lack thereof), consider the relationship between economic freedom and per capita income.

The Index editors grade each country on a numeric scale that places it in one of four categories: free, mostly free, mostly unfree or repressed. Not surprisingly, the freer a country is economically, the higher the per capita income its citizens enjoy. People in “repressed” and “mostly unfree” economies have a per capita income that averages about $4,000. But those in “mostly free” countries have a per capita income of about $13,000. And those in “free” countries? More than $30,000.

Cat people suck.

I'm sorry to offend any cat people out there, but you people are nuts. I must state at this time that I do make a distinction between cat owners and cat people. I own two cats, or they own me, or however that works. Mueller, who is two years old spends most of his time outside and will come in to eat and sleep and do whatever fills a cat's day, but I would consider him an outside cat. Bob is a three month old kitten. Bob is, at this stage in his life an inside cat. When he sees the door open he looks out and looks up at you as to say, yea that's nice, now close the door you're letting all the heat out. Bob does not see the joy in the great outdoors. Mueller is neutered and Bob will be getting a trim of the private parts soon. I try to be a responsible pet owner, but this story brings out the victim mentality of cat people.

A US cat owner, frustrated that officials couldn't prove a neighbor's dog had killed her pet, took a cue from television legal dramas and used DNA evidence to pursue the case herself.

A lab that analysed the DNA concluded that the dog was linked to the cat's death, but officials said they still couldn't make a case because there were no witnesses.

After discovering her cat Cody dead under a tree in front of her home in Leesburg, Virginia, in August, Marylin Christian came to suspect Lucky, a German shepherd mix belonging to neighbours Sean and Janet Daryabeygi.

After authorities said they could do nothing because they needed a witness, Christian went to the Daryabeygis, who gave her samples of Lucky's saliva and fur.

I am surprised they don't have a quote from her stating that cats have the 'right' to walk around the neighborhood without the threat of being eaten. Wrong lady.

Dogs eat cats, not all dogs, but if you hooked them up to a thought reading machine 90% would say " If my owner left for two weeks and I could think up a good alibi, that cat is toast" If my cat gets eaten by the neighbors dog, tough luck for the cat. If you want to keep your cat safe, keep him indoors. If not, don't be surprised if nature takes its course.

Who reads this crap anyway?

Who reads J.T. Leroy? It must be enlightened people, because I never heard of him. Don't get to worked up about Mr. Leroy because he doesn't exist. He is a fraud, and so is his story.
I can't wait to here the 'fake but true' claims from those who were so willing to believe.

Speaking of frauds, James Frey made it onto Oprah's book club, A Million Little Pieces is a fraud too!

Remember Australia.

The next time you think about our soldiers in Iraq, remember Afghanistan and the coalition forces fighting and dying in this war. As in real life, when it comes down to it, you have a few friends who will back you up in a scrap. If you think you have more than a few, you haven't been in a fight for a while. Britain and Australia are two very good friends to have. There are many who will stay and 'watch the car' but only a few who will wade into the fray.

It seems that the Aussies have been very busy in Afghanistan lately. While the die hard Taliban and al qaeda fighters have been engaging Australian special forces, they are being stacked up like cord wood.

Alito, Abramoff, yea whatever.

This is what caught my eye in the news today. Chevy is bringing back the Camaro!


I know that RC is a Pony fan, but I can't wait to see one of these up close.
If they come out with a Vette ZO6 powerplant, and badge it as a RS/SS I will sell the cows to buy one.
UPDATE: This just in from the wife - 'Like Hell you are'
I guess I will have to buy a poster or calendar.

Lets send in the United Nations, they have such a wonderful track record.

In the latest example of the UN 'peacekeepers' effectiveness....

UN commander found dead in Haiti.

The UN Stabilisation Mission in Haiti said Bacellar's body had been found on Saturday morning in his room at the Hotel Montana, and he had been shot.

The report said he appeared to have committed suicide.

Mission officials said Bacellar was taken to a UN-run hospital.

In recent days, UN forces have faced strong criticism as a result of growing unrest in the capital. At least nine people have been killed in the country since the beginning of the year.

Can you imagine what NOW would say to this?

In a story that dovetails into Mark Stein's remarkable piece, Japan's PM suggests that Japanese women start pushing out babies at a rapid rate.

Women are told to have a litter in Year of Dog. In a sign of rising despair over the countrys dwindling birth rate, the Prime Minister of Japan has suggested that his people should take their cue from the canine world and breed larger litters of offspring in the Year of the Dog. Junichiro Koizumis unexpected "do as dogs do" advice arose during his new year press conference.

I wonder if the feminists will stop buy Toyotas and Nissans in protest?

Give up feeling a moral superiority driving my Prius? No way.

Saddam ran numerous Islamic terrorists training camps.

I want to see how the NYT spins this story. It seems there are mountains of documents waiting for translation. I would bet that the French, Germans and Russians don't want any of the remaining documents translated.

THE FORMER IRAQI REGIME OF Saddam Hussein trained thousands of radical Islamic terrorists from the region at camps in Iraq over the four years immediately preceding the U.S. invasion, according to documents and photographs recovered by the U.S. military in postwar Iraq. The existence and character of these documents has been confirmed to THE WEEKLY STANDARD by eleven U.S. government officials.

The secret training took place primarily at three camps--in Samarra, Ramadi, and Salman Pak--and was directed by elite Iraqi military units.

But, but Saddam was a secular dictator, he had no ties to Islamic terrorists.

Yea, just keep telling yourself that if it makes you feel better.

155, 000 people died yesterday, was this punishment from God?

That is an estimate mind you, but it looks to be accurate. I can only imagine the amount of paper Pat Robertson needs to keep track of the reasons these folks were punished by God. And those are just the ones who died, what about the number of strokes and heart attacks and cancer the Lord deals out on a 24/7 basis? That must take all Pat's waking hours, when does the man sleep? I am not sure how Robertson got the job of keeping a running tally of all those who are suffering some form of punishment by the all mighty, but it must pay well. He wears nice shoes.

Seriously, when Fidel lights his final cigar and goes to the special place in Hell reserved for communist dictators, I will not shed a tear for him. Nor will not say that his death was brought about by an act of the Lord. He just died. ( I made up the special place in Hell, but one can always hope )

Being a Christian, and a very poor one at that, I can honestly say that I don't understand the day to day, millennium to millennium operations of the universe. It is my belief that God does. Some people live, some people die and some people buy nice shoes, it happens every day. I can try to understand my savior, I can try to emulate his love and compassion, but in the end I am still walking in faith. I am not sure I would want to worship a God that I could completely understand. The bottom line, I don't know if Jesus punishes people on a daily basis. I guess they must teach that at Pat's seminary, or maybe it just his understanding of our Lord, or maybe he is just talking out of his... well, you know.

The founder of the Christian Broadcasting Network told viewers of "The 700 Club" that Sharon was "dividing God's land," even though the Bible says doing so invites "God's enmity." Robertson added, "I would say woe to any prime minister of Israel who takes a similar course."

He noted that former Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin was assassinated. Robertson said God's message is, "This land belongs to me. You'd better leave it alone."

Pat, for the love of God, literally, shut up.

Robertson thinks Ariel Sharon's stroke is punishment from God for giving land to the Palestinians? Not to be out done by an American televangelist with nice shoes, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran hopes Sharon dies.

"Hopefully, the news that the criminal of Sabra and Chatilla has joined his ancestors is final," President Ahmadinejad was quoted as saying by the semiofficial Iranian Students News Agency.

As the Church Lady used to say, well isn't that special.

Iran, the powder keg of 2006?

I was watching Fox News Sunday last night, I love my DVR by the way, when the panel was asked for their predictions. Charles Krauthammer predicted that Iran comes very close to obtaining a working nuke and is attacked by Israel causing a huge shake up in the middle east. Charles is not a "the sky is falling' kind of person, that makes me sit up and take notice.

While everyone knows that the President of Iran is nuts, I believe the technical term for it is 'freakin crackers', there are some disturbing news stories that you better get your mind around and soon. I don't care for the journalist who just pulled our electronic surveillance pants down for Al Queda to take advantage of, but if his story about the CIA screwing the pooch in Iran and blowing the cover of it's agents, we are blind to what is happening inside that country.

Of the Iran spy network snafu, Risen writes that the Iranian turned out to be a double agent who turned over the information to Iranian security officials, which allowed them to "roll up" the CIA agent network throughout the country.

"It left the CIA virtually blind in Iran, unable to provide any significant intelligence on one of the critical issues facing the United States - where Tehran was about to go nuclear," he writes

Rolled up, that is a nice way to say the field agents were most likely tortured and killed. Rolled up sounds better when you talking about compromising our security.

Then there is this story that makes me shudder even more.

The assessment declares that Iran has developed an extensive web of front companies, official bodies, academic institutes and middlemen dedicated to obtaining - in western Europe and the former Soviet Union - the expertise, training and equipment for nuclear programs, missile development and biological and chemical weapons arsenals.

"In addition to sensitive goods, Iran continues intensively to seek the technology and know-how for military applications of all kinds," it says.

The document lists scores of Iranian companies and institutions involved in the arms race. It also details Tehran's growing determination to perfect a ballistic missile capable of delivering warheads far beyond its borders.

Makes you feel warm and secure right?

Then just to add to the mix Prime Minister Ariel Sharon is in critical condition. Will Benjamin Netanyahu will be back in power soon? Netanyahu is a hard liner and will defend Israel against the Iranian threat. So, does this mean a few jets with the star of David crossing over the Iranian border to destroy Iran's nuclear program? Could be.

If I were in Vegas I think the odds would be 4 to 5 in favor of an Israeli strike in 06'. If that happens I can see the US up its ears in a shooting war with Iran and Syria.

Iran may eclipse Iraq as the most troubling spot in the middle east. The Iraqis better get their armed forces trained and ready in a hurry, if this goes south, the training wheels will have to come off.

Murtha may get his wish after all , we may have to re-deploy our forces to areas outside of Iraq.

Like a fish needs a bicycle....

Here is proof that some people are just not wired right.

British tourist Sharon Tendler has finally made her dream match - by "marrying" a dolphin she has been visiting for 15 years in the Israeli resort of Eilat, the mass-circulation Yediot Ahronot daily reported. The wedding took place Wednesday, with the bride, wearing a white dress and watched by amazed spectators, walking down the dock to where the groom was waiting in the water. She kissed him, to the cheers of the spectators and then, after the ceremony was sealed with some mackerels, was tossed into the water so she could swim away with her new husband. "I'm the happiest girl on earth," the bride was quoted as saying. "I made a dream come true. And I am not a pervert."

Well, as long as she's not a pervert.

Fast mean cows and slow mean cows.

Those are the two types of cattle in the world according to Patrick F McManus. My wife is in full agreement with that conclusion. We raise 'city cows'. What, you may ask, is a city cow? These are cattle that have been raised near the public and have seen most everything. Lowriders with bass speakers thumping a tune so loud it might curdle their milk if they were in close proximity too long, F-15 Eagles hitting their afterburners overhead, and every kind of dog, cat, chicken and remote control plane has chased them. In life experience, they would be the equivalent of the Las Vegas police department. Been there, done that.

Our city cows also have names, although not as many as we used to. There are four or five who still come up to the truck to eat out of your hand, one of those is Emmett. He is the bull and he is as sweet a bovine as you can find, but scary as the dickens to those who don't know him. He weighs about 1,800 pounds and stands even with your chin, if your tall. While he is docile and friendly, he is also very large and when he wants to eat, you better feed him. He is what my wife would consider a 'slow mean cow', or bull in his case. Most of our cattle fall into that category, except when they have calves. When they drop that calf on the ground, they become 'fast mean cows'.

Which takes us to this afternoon. One of our cows had a new calf Sunday and it has had a hard time nursing his mother. My wife took the pair up to the barn to help the calf get on his feet. A good plan, until the cow and calf escaped today. Running down the road they encountered my wife and her friend on the golf cart. The cow looked at my wife and gave a snort. My wife got out of cart and tried to open a gate to get said cow off the road. As my wife approached, the cow lowered her head. "She bluffing" my wife said to her friend. The cow was not. As she chased my wife back into the golf cart, sending her out the other side, my wife decided correctly that the cow was now in full-on "fast mean cow' mode. The calf however thought my wife was pretty cool and since she had bottle fed the calf once, the calf thought he might see if could find a little snack in my wife's lap. The cow did not see the humor in this and started to smack the golf cart with her head and bellow like mean cows do.

Thirty exhilarating, or terrifying seconds later, depending on whether you are telling the story or are the subject of the story, the cow and calf are herded into the pen and the episode comes to an end. I can attest that there is no better feeling that putting a closed gate between you and a fast mean cow.

Don't you just love cattle? I do.
My wife? Not so much right now.

The Ringer

I must admit that in my teenage years, I would have wanted to see a movie like "The Ringer". With this in mind I reluctantly agreed to take my son. Today the rain has been steady, the past 10 days have been very similar and as much as you love your children, being cooped up in a house with them for almost a week can test the limits of your sanity. So grabbing the rain gear we headed out.

Jonny Knoxville plays the lead in this film of a down on his luck guy who needs some fast cash to right a wrong. Along with his degenerate uncle they come up with a plan to bet on the Special Olympics and have Knoxville compete at 'Jeffy Daumor'. The 'special' athletes find out he is not so 'special' but want him to stay and beat the favorite. The favorite is the three time champion "Jimmy", think of him as the Terrell owens of the Special Olympics. He is cocky and has a posse that caters to his every whim.

I won't blow the ending, but I give the movie two stars. My son rates it as four stars. Maybe I am too old for this kind of humor, although the 'ice cream' scene was funny, just wait for the DVD.

Bloggin' by battery backup

Today has been a long day, and its not even 2:00 yet!

The rain woke me up around 4 AM today slamming into my southern facing window. The steady and somewhat rhythmic sound of raindrops changed into a crescendo of noise as the gusts picked up, driving the rain sideways until it became similar to the sound of a clothes dryer filled with BBs and marbles. I looked out from my window to survey the scene. My front yard drain had become clogged with leaves, turning my lawn into a fine place to throw a duck family reunion.

When the front yard goes under, that is bad news indeed. It is home to my septic system. I was now faced with a decision. Get dressed in the damp clothes from last night and hope that I am able to clear the yard, thus enabling the septic system to function and allowing me the chance to shower when I was done. The other option, take a shower now, hoping the drain did not back up into my bathroom. Being an optimist, I dressed in my damp clothes and faced the stinging rain.

Success, the front yard drained into the back yard, and all is well. Then I came up with the bright idea to return the cattle trailer I had borrowed to haul some cattle to the sale. My friend lives 10 mile up the interstate, so I figured I would drop off the trailer, get back home and take a much needed shower.

'Localized street flooding' is a term that is far too vague and up to interpretation. I discovered that the County road department, Cal Trans and the locals sheriff do not tell you where to go, they only post "road closed' signs and let the chips fall where they may. Being on a main road to the local Indian casino, the hordes of would-be casino patrons trying to find an alternate route to the casino is at best a small scale disaster.

Needless to say, I was able to find a few alternate routes around the road closures and drove through a few feet of water when necessary to return the trailer and make my way home. The 20 mile trip took an estimated 2 and a half hours to complete. But now I am home, do I take a shower now or get everything I need to do outside done first? I chose the latter and got out the ATV to survey the slough at the end of my fields and make sure the drains are open. After an hour of shoveling out and clearing the culverts, I finally get back inside. Whew! Done, now I can kick back and watch the news coverage of the flooding and relax.

Wrong. The power is out. No water, no shower and one hour of battery left on my laptop. What's a guy to do?

Blog about it I guess. So here is to all of you, who are having a much worse day than I am. If your house has been flooded, I feel for you.

From a somewhat wet and kinda stinky cowboy.

( Update, 4:02 the power has come back on. When the power went off I took the pot roast out of the crock pot and put it in my 12" dutch oven and threw some coals from the fireplace on the top to finish cooking. Oh well, I like cooking in the dutch anyway.)

America's juvenile boredom

Where did I leave that magic wand?

In an excellent piece, Victor David Hanson explains why America wants everything right now, and better than perfect.

What explains this paradox of public disappointment over things that turn out better than anticipated? Why are we like children who damn their parents for not providing yet another new toy when the present one is neither paid for nor yet out of the wrapper?

One cause is the demise of history. The past is either not taught enough, or presented wrongly as a therapeutic exercise to excise our purported sins.

Either way the result is the same: a historically ignorant populace who knows nothing about past American wars and their disappointments — and has absolutely no frame of reference to make sense of the present other than its own mercurial emotional state in any given news cycle.

Preach on brother Victor, preach on!